being at home with a newborn and toddler

parenting a newborn and a toddler.....at the SAME TIME!  hahaha.  so we are about 3 1/2 weeks into hubs back at work and me by myself with the kiddos.  i was super nervous about being by myself with these guys; i was wondering about the logistics.  how do i give z lunch when the baby needs to nurse, how do i get z to take a nap while i have the baby, what to do when they both need me at the same time, how do i go to the bathroom ever, stuff like that.  i had previously searched the internets and pinterest for ideas on how other mamas handle it.  i got a lot of advice from people i know that said i would just figure it out, but i needed some more tangible ideas, haha.  so anyway, i did get some good ideas; some mamas read specific books with their toddler while nursing the baby, some mamas had bins with activities, toys and books for each day or each week that would entertain the toddler when the mama needed to care for the baby, stuff like that.  so i kind of came up with a game plan and then filled in the rest of the day organically.  so far, it has been ok.  not as scary as i thought.  we typically have about 3 of the days of being at home and 2 days of going out and doing something.  when we wake up in the morning, z climbs into my bed and i'm usually nursing baby ava.  in order to finish nursing her, i've been giving z my phone and letting him watch a show on netflix; usually Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood or Curious George, sometimes he watches this Mother Goose songs show.  i'd prefer not to have to do that, but for right now, that's just what we need to do.  then we go downstairs and i put the baby in the mamaroo while i make our breakfast.  when z gets done, i'm still usually eating, so i let him 'wash' his dishes in the sink.  he mainly just splashes around in the sink, but he really enjoys it and it gives me an extra few minutes to finish eating.  for the rest of the morning we play, or get ready to go somewhere.  z likes to play with his big legos, putting together puzzles, playing with his tools, playing with play-doh, coloring and reading.  thankfully, i can do most of these things one handed, so when i'm nursing the baby i can still interact with z.  i think that part of the reason that the day goes well is that i'm still able to play with z and give him lots of attention.  sometimes we will go for a walk or go to the park.  then we have lunch and do naps.  if i can get the baby to sleep before i put z down, it works well, because then i can lay down with him and he falls asleep in about 15 minutes.  if baby ava is awake, i usually nurse her while sitting next to z while he falls asleep, but he is so distracted by baby sister that it takes a long time for him to fall asleep, or sometimes he doesn't at all.  so naps we are still working on.  it has always been hard to get him to go to sleep, and he is not at the stage yet where i can lay him in his bed and he will just fall asleep easily on his own.  i'm hoping that will change with time.  after nap, we play some more, and then i try to start dinner.  some nights i can get everything prepped and then when hubs comes home i cook or he cooks, and some nights i can get everything done by myself before hubs comes home, it just depends on how the kids are doing and what is being cooked.  usually, z either plays by himself (on good days), or 'helps' me make dinner.  sometimes i can set him up with play-doh or something and he will be entertained so i can cook.  sometimes he doesn't do any of those and i let him watch animal planet kids or put together a digital jigsaw puzzle on the ipad.

play-doh is a lifesaver right now

but i wanted to list some of the things that i've learned or figured out that are helpful to me and may be helpful to others, and also to ask others for ideas on what they did that was helpful:

z makes some food for baby sister with his play-doh

-give lots of attention to the toddler.  obviously still do what you need to do for the baby, but their needs are pretty simple still, so as long as they are clean, dry, warm, fed and being held, they are generally fine.  the toddlers need to still interact with mama.  z will play on his own sometimes but he still wants me to play with him, so i either wear the baby or put her on the floor with us or in her play gym on the floor, and that way i can still build stuff with z or color or whatever.

painting!!!

-include your toddler when caring for the baby.  for some reason, z loves to take the baby's wet diaper to the garbage for me after changing her.  and it's actually really helpful.  he also helps by grabbing a diaper and wipes for me, finding her binkie and popping it back in her mouth or putting the blanket on her, or just carrying stuff for me.  he loves to help and it makes him feel included.

taking advantage of the sunny day

-go outside, if possible.  it's so nice to get outside in the fresh air, it's good for mama, it's good for the baby (who usually sleeps) and the toddler loves it (unless they don't like outside haha), and it's easy to just let them run around in the yard or at the park while wearing or strolling baby.

z loves to go outside even if it's raining, he loves to use his "ungrella"

-have some activities ready to go for the toddler; water play, play-doh, coloring, blocks, tactile play with a rice bin, puzzles, stickers are a big hit right now with z, things that will keep their attention for more than 5 minutes.

learning to match colors

-make sure mama is eating well during the day, even if the kids are fussy or whatever, mama has got to eat!  especially nursing mamas.

putting together a puzzle

-choose a few things everyday that you must do in order to feel like a human and do at least those if nothing else.  i found that i must drink one cup of coffee, brush my teeth, eat, get out of my pj's, shower or have showered the night before, and be able to clean up the kitchen and tidy the living room.  if i can't do one or any of these, i feel cranky and a little lost.  these things make me feel a little in control.  there was one day where the baby was a little fussy and clingy, and i was trying to get z to take a nap. for an hour.  by 3pm i had had it.  i finally let it go and conceded the nap.  i was still in my pj's, hungry, hadn't brushed my teeth and desperately needed a shower.  i decided that i needed to put my needs first at that moment so i put z on my bed with my phone and let him watch an episode of Daniel Tiger, put the baby in the rock n play and took her into the bathroom with me and took a shower.  i didn't care if she cried or fussed, i needed this.  and she was fine, and z was fine, and then i was able to get clean, brush my teeth and put on some clothes.  it was an amazing prescription and i felt soooo much better afterwards, like a human being!  and my kids were fine, they didn't cry or have any problems.  and then i was better able to handle the rest of the day, which i knew would be kind of a shit show since the baby didn't really have a good nap and was fussy, and z didn't take a nap at all and would most definitely have a toddlerific meltdown later that night.  this is something i wouldn't have done the first time around, when i had z.  but this time around, i know the importance of taking care of myself, too, and when i just need to put my needs first in order to be able to take care of my kids with (some) patience and love.

gotta wear the baby

-wear the baby.  i used to wear z quite a bit, but it is so helpful to be able to wear the baby now while running around after z or starting dinner or just whenever she seems clingy or fussy.  i use the moby wrap mostly around the house because she seems to feel more cozy in it, and i use the boba carrier when we are out and about because it feels very secure.  it helps tremendously to put her in the wrap when she just wants to be held.

the kiddos playing in the play gym

-reach out.  i have been trying to spend more time with friends and family during the day when possible, just to get us out of the house, and also to keep my sanity and z's sanity.  it's so wonderful to spend some time with other mamas and their kiddos.  the kids can play, the mamas can talk, have an adult conversation, sympathize, swap ideas, vent, whatever, but it is so nice.  i recently reached out to some neighbors, one of which just had a baby and has a toddler that is a little bit older than z, and the other has a toddler the same age as z and a younger one who is 1.5 years old.  we have had one play date so far and it was great.  they are only a few houses down from me, so i'm hoping to really forge a friendship with these ladies and that our kids can play together.  and also, ask for help when you need.  i know i have this mentality, and i know a lot of other mamas do to, where we don't want to ask for help, we don't want to be a burden and we don't want people to think that we can't handle it.  but when they say it takes a village, this is the truth.  i truly believe that we should not be at home by ourselves, isolated, raising our kids without the help, support, guidance and love of other mamas.  there is virtually no support for the mother after the baby is born (from the community and society) and it sucks.  no wonder so many mamas get post partum depression or feel so lonely and isolated.  this time around i am not letting myself feel guilt or embarrassment or shame if i have to ask one of the people in my support circle for help.  i get that i simply can't do it by myself some days.  and that attitude has also encouraged me to ask for more help from my hubby.  i know he works hard during the day to provide for us and am so appreciative of that fact.  he is an amazing provider.  but i also have asked more of him at home, too, and he has stepped up so well.  we both know we have to just 'work harder' in order to make things run smoothly these days.  and hubs does it all, he helps with dinner, laundry, grocery shopping, putting the toddler to sleep, holding the baby so i can shower, whatever it is, he does.  i really feel like we are a team, and i hope that comes through to our kids some day so that they see how a mother and father can both contribute to the family.   it's not always perfect (it's mostly never perfect) but we are trying and i'm so thankful for that.  anyway, the point is that asking for help from those in your home is ok.  give other people a chance to be of service
-staying somewhat organized has also helped me.  so whatever that means to you, but for me, i had ot start writing stuff down.  i made a dry erase monthly calendar and write appointments, play dates, outings, etc on it and the weekly meal plan.  otherwise i forget.  so yea, i also make a weekly meal plan (me an hubs do this), that way i don't have to spend time figuring out what to cook and i have all the necessary ingredients.
-remember that you are doing one of the most important things---raising kids who will one day be contributing to and an integral part of society and the world in the future.  why this is not treated with as much importance as it should in society is beyond me.  i say this because, sometimes on hard days i think, 'what the hell am i doing?  why am i doing this, did i make a mistake?'  sometimes i feel guilty that i didn't get enough things done (or any things done) on my to do list that i wanted to, and then i have to remind myself that i am doing exactly what i need to be doing in this moment in time.  i'm spending my time with my kids, i'm raising them and training them and educating them to be decent human beings, to have respect for other people, to be discerning, to use their brains, to be of service and contribute to their family, their neighborhoods, their societies.  it's hard work.  it's the most challenging thing i've ever done.  and that helps get me through the tough days.  and also to know that this time won't last forever, and soon, i'll be looking back and longing for the days when my kids wanted to cuddle with me and join in their playtime, i'll miss nursing my babies and giving them baths and picking out their clothes.  although i don't "enjoy every moment", i'm trying really hard to be more present and in the moment rather than looking forward, hoping for 6 months from now, or when they are 3 or when they are in school.  anyway, it helps me to lose the anxiety i feel when the only thing i did that day is get everyone dressed, fed, diapered, and to play with and spend time with my kids and maybe get some dinner started.  it's what i'm supposed to be doing right now.
-oh, the last thing, i wouldn't say it's ok to compromise your values, but hubs and i have definitely relaxed a little on some of our rules.  like i mentioned above, we let z watch a show if we need him to sit in one place and be calm, like when i need to make dinner and he is not able to entertain himself.  and i also use bribes.  haha, i never thought i would do that!  and it's not always like he gets a treat or whatever, but it's like you do this and i will reciprocate with this.  and it could be like 'put your toys away and i will play play-doh with you' or 'eat your meat and we will give you more tadiq (crunchy rice), stuff like that.  i feel like, it's temporary, i'm not compromising on really important things, and this is just what needs to happen to get through the days until things smooth out a bit.

so those are some of my thoughts on being at home with my kiddos, for right now, almost 4 weeks in.  if you have any ideas for me about toddler appropriate activities at home, i'd appreciate it!  the thing i struggle with is finding new fun things for z to do while we are staying in at home.