sometimes, you are doing it right

i don't know about you guys, but every single day i feel like i have failed a little.  not like a complete failure.  sometimes those days happen, too.  but most days, i feel like i should have been more patient with my kids.  i should have engaged with them more.  i should have used kind and loving words.  i shouldn't have gotten frustrated.  i should show them more respect.  should should should.  so many should's.

no wonder i am physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day.  not only am i running around after two very active kiddos, and all the house stuff that comes along with being a stay at home mom, but my mind never stops.  never!  there are logistics, reminders, schedules, to-do lists, mantras, battles of negative self-talk, calling bullshit in your head (over something the kids did or how much laundry there is), plans, memories, things that you absolutely must not forget!, and the attempts at positive self-talk.  it is a constant bombardment.

often times, as parents, we feel hopeful that we just aren't messing it up too badly, yes?  i don't know, maybe some of you are more positive than that.  but most parents i talk to feel this way.  raising children is a huge responsibility.  and as their parents, we have so much influence and have the ability to til the soil so to speak, for the growth of these little people.  like, who gave me permission to have that much responsibility?  hahaha.

and it's hard to be sure that the decisions that we are making for these little ones are right.  or that the way that we are interacting with them is having a positive impact on their growth and development.  and do they know how much we really love them?

these questions run through my head all the time.  and my answers are usually "i don't know, i doubt it, probably not".  i don't mean to be so hard on myself.  just like all the parents out there probably don't really mean to be quite so hard on themselves.  but, i always know that i can try harder, and do better.

but sometimes.  sometimes they let you know that you're actually doing ok, these little people.

see this sweet face?

i feel like i am constantly on him for something.  "please sit down and eat", "don't run into your sister", "pay attention to what you are doing", "it's time to get ready for ......", "i need you to do....", "use an inside voice", "pick up the toys that you are done using", "please don't open the door without me", and on and on and on.  yes, most of these are things that we teach our little ones so that they grow up to be responsible, caring, helpful, and decent adults.  it's important.  but sometimes i feel bad because my son hears this barrage of instructions and reminders all day.  i try to throw in some "i love you's" and "great job doing ..." but i wonder if he gets bogged down by all this.  i wonder if he knows how proud i am of him.  how much awe i feel while watching him play or talk to people or figuring things out.  how much my heart aches with love for him.

and the other day, i got a really great answer.

out of the blue i asked him if he knows how much i love him.  he said, "yes, mama."  i smiled and asked him how he knows.  he said, "because you are always telling me and you are always hugging and kissing me."  and the way he said it was in a "duh" kind of way.  like, i should know the answer, it's totally obvious.  and i gave him a hug and a kiss on his sweet cheek.  because although from my perspective, i am bombing every day, from his perspective, he feels the love from his mama.  all the time.

so.  please remember.  yes, we probably can be more present.  and be more patient.  and show more positivity and kindness and a million other virtues towards our kids.  but they feel the love.