roller coaster

i often feel like i'm on a roller coaster, being a mother of a toddler.  i don't know if it's the same with all mothers of toddlers, but it's interesting.  there are times throughout the day that z will be so sweet or funny or brilliant that it takes me aback for a second, and then there are times where he is so defiant and stubborn and challenging that i feel like stomping out of the house and taking a walk to calm down.  it's so annoyingly inconsistent.  i especially have a hard time when z throws tantrums and whines.  i just don't have the patience for it.  i've been reading a lot about what other mothers do and what the 'experts' suggest and the thing that seems to work the best is to hug him and hold him until he is done.  it calms him down much quicker than ignoring him or putting him in his room or something.  i have decided that i need to simply change my attitude about this period of toddler development, because it seems that this behavior is normal.  this, obviously, is much easier said than done.  especially when mama is hungry, tired, in pain, or has a baby crying that needs milk.  but, the times that i can accept this stage for what it is, i can deal with it a lot better, with more patience and love.  on a hard day, i have been trying to think about the times when z is fun or so kind, and have been doing this new thing where if he is annoying me or being kind of a brat, i just hug him and tell him how much i love him.  i think this is more a reminder for me than for z, hahaha.  i have been acknowledging the super sweet moments and breathing them in, thanking God, and just being there in that place for as long as it lasts.  for example, today, we went outside.  the sun was out and the weather is mild.  we are walking around the yard.  z wants to go to the park that is about 50 paces from our front door.  he is climbing up the stairs to the slide, wearing his monkey rainboots and rain jacket despite the lack of precipitation.  he is laughing and excited to go down the slide.  when he reaches the top of the stairs, he looks through the little tunnel at the top of the slide and says, "mama, i seeeeee youuuuuu!" and giggles.  then he whooshes down the slide, laughing and shrieking.  "again, mama!!!" he says.  i stand at the bottom of the slide wearing baby sister and kiss the top of her head while she naps, her fuzzy hair tickling my neck.  i glance up at the tall trees surrounding us.  i notice how beautiful the light is right now.  it is being filtered through the limbs and needles of the pine trees and covers everything below in a soft, golden glow.  i take a deep breath and relax, and thank God for this beautiful moment.   it feels so good to be outside in this weather after a long stretch of rainy or cold days.  it really is invigorating to the soul to be in nature.  my kids are happy and content.  for this moment.  it is bliss.

10 minutes later z is throwing a tantrum, rolling around on the ground in the fallen pine needles because i won't let him lick the germ laden pool of rain water that has collected in a small divot of the guard rail on the perimeter of the park.  and then he kicks his rainboots off and leaves them at the park while we walk home.  and then i walk back to get his boots and proceed to explain to a screaming, drooling, inconsolable toddler that we need to take care of our stuff and when we don't, we have consequences and that he won't be able to use his boots for a period of time. as if he understands that.

and later today, while he is napping, i flip through the pictures on my phone and remember the blissful moment from earlier.