mamahood

i have been wanting to write again about mothering two kiddos for awhile.  i probably will write a few different posts about the topic.  it's hard y'all!  haha. i don't know, it's lots of things, especially confusing because so many of the feelings that i have are conflicting, and seem dichotomous.  i have never before felt such strong love and such exasperation simultaneously.  and there are so many different components to this whole thing, this motherhood thing.  that sounds confusing and may not make sense.  there are so many things in my head about this experience.  the daily grind, the things that are tangible.  as far as being responsible for two small children, sometimes when i think about it i get overwhelmed, like, who gave me these kids and trusted me to raise them?  haha.  and then other times it's not that bad, and the days together with the kids are just fine, and i prove to be a capable parent.  although sometimes i think, hey---we all are dressed and have clean bums, and are nourished, that's good enough!  haha, it's so inconsistent.  we have somewhat of a routine at this point.  i think that's one thing for me that's hard, is not having a firm schedule.  when it was just me and z, we were able to get into a pretty good routine.  so far, with two, we are not quite there yet, we have a loose schedule.  i just this past week, after we got back from vacation, kind of figured out a little more of a schedule which is helpful for me, and i think for the kids, too.  z pretty much has his own schedule now, but i have been working on it with ava.  incidentally, it seems that the introduction of solids has helped with her naps.  maybe not, but it seems awfully coincidental that right when i started feeding her 2-3 meals of solids a day and putting her on a nursing schedule, she has actually been taking naps.  it has only been three days of consistent naps for her, but it has been so nice.  and it's fairly easy to get her down for her naps now, too.  i just swaddle her in a blanket (she always busts out of it and it's fine, i just swaddle her so that in the beginning she will stop flailing around), and put on some white noise and within a few minutes she is out.  the tough part is trying to get her to stay asleep when she is in her crib, she's not used to it yet.  so that's the next thing i'm working on with her, is sleeping in her crib and sleeping there during the night.  and i'm also working with z to fall asleep on his own, without me in the room for his naps, as i mentioned in my last post.  it has been rough because he is so damn stubborn and he does whatever he can to keep himself awake.  anyway, so we kind of have a daily and weekly schedule.  i feel like the afternoon is a whirlwind and by the time we sit down for dinner, i'm exhausted.  physically for sure, but also emotionally.  dinner is usually a little rough because ava is tired and wants to nurse and z is tired and wants to throw food, or bang his cup on the table, he drops his utensils and cup on the floor EVERY SINGLE TIME, every night, and it makes me and hubs die a little each time it happens.  i don't know why, it's just soooooooo annoying!  it's not usually a peaceful event.  by the end of the week, tensions are high. haha, i don't know why!  instead of tgif it's like ogif (oh god, it's friday).  i think i feel tired of being with the kids by myself all week and the kids must feel the same, because it's mutual, haha.  i think this part, the daily grind, is mostly ok, especially when we have activities planned like children's classes or trips to the zoo or playdates, stuff like that.  and pretty quickly after i was home by myself with both kids i learned that i won't be able to do it all.  and so in order to feel like i could do something i learned to prioritize a few things that i want to do every day in order to feel sane and like i accomplished something besides keeping the kids alive.  so for me, i feel accomplished if the three of us are dressed and ready for the day (no lounging around in pj's), kitchen cleaned and dishes washed, toys/etc picked up at least twice throughout the day, and if i can work on laundry, and dinner started.  that's the minimum in order for me to stay sane, and usually (besides eating, diaper changes, and playing or going out for a bit), that's all i am able to do anyway.  it's the mental stuff that's hard.  this is a mental game for sure.  the other day for example, after breakfast, after we played for awhile, z said he wanted to go to the children's museum.  it was a little too late in the morning to go, by the time we got there we would only have a short time before we'd have to get home for lunch and naps.  and poor z got upset and started crying, threw a little tantrum, crying that he wanted to go to the children's museum.  and i felt so guilty.  even though i knew it was too late and wouldn't work out, i felt bad for z because i know he loves it there.  so, as a parent, i have to battle this in my head----feeling guilty for depriving my son of a fun afternoon and being a responsible caregiver knowing that the timing just wasn't right.  it sucks!  i don't know, maybe if i was less of a type A person, but as far as i'm concerned, naps are the priority, because if these kids don't nap, the rest of the day is shot, it's harder to get them to sleep at night and even the next day is hard.

we were recently in california spending some time with hubby's family, and sometimes it can be a little hectic because we get off our schedule, but mostly it is sooooooooooo nice to be surrounded by family during the day.  i know it's not like that all the time and it's different on vacation because everyone is around, but it makes such a difference in my attitude and emotional well being.  i have said this since z was an infant, but this is not an endeavor that should be undertaken alone.  parents that stay at home with the kids should not have to do it alone.  that's why there's the expression "it takes a village", because it really truly does, and should.  i have read some really good articles about this lately and talk to my other mama friends about it a lot.  so i'm trying to build my village.  but anyway, it was nice to be around family during the day.  last week was the first week back home, and with just me and the kids during the day.  it definitely wore me out and by the end of the week i was feeling a complex mix of emotions; lonesome, tired, hopeful, guilty, annoyed.  the day was fine, the usual combo of fun moments, whining and a tantrum or two, and ava napped well, but when it was time to put z down for his nap, he just would not go to sleep.  he came close, he was almost asleep about 5 times, but would do something to keep himself awake.  i sat there for an hour and a half, and he just would not sleep.  i was soooooooooooo annoyed!  it's one thing if i sit there for that long and he eventually sleeps, but i feel so angry when i sit there for an hour and a half and he doesn't even sleep!  so i broke down.  i was so tired from trying to sleep train ava at night and being awake so many times the previous night, i just was at the end of my rope.  and z started crying, which is really a scream, and woke up ava, so while i was trying to nurse her and rock her back to sleep and get z to stay on his bed and sleep, i just couldn't handle it and started crying.  i don't really cry in front of the kids, because i know how frightening it can be for a kid to see their parent break down, but i couldn't help it, and it turned into this ten minute ordeal of racking sobs, the kind that make you shake and have a runny nose, the ugly cry.  i haven't cried like that in so long.  but it was a culmination of exhaustion, stress, anxiety, frustration.  the situation, in which z didn't nap, i felt like i wasted so much time, which sucks because i don't have very much (if any) free time during the day at all, and that also made me feel like i was not in control, i couldn't control the situation,  which i hate.  and then z became startled and upset that i was crying, and brought me his little owl night light, then ran back into his bed, put his pillow over his head and said, "i'm laying down now mama, i'm laying down!"  and that made me even more upset because then i'm thinking, great, i've damaged my child and he thinks that it's his fault that i'm crying like this, like it's his responsibility.  i felt awful, adding guilt onto the top of it all.  i calmed down and put myself together and just gave up on the nap for z.  and then i called my bestie.  i hesitated at first, because i hate to burden others with my stuff because i know everyone has their own stuff to deal with, too.  but, her and i talk about this village a lot, and she calls me when she needs to vent or cry or whatever, and i know i can do the same.  we have been doing this for the past 10 years through all kinds of different life stages.  so i called her and she consoled me and sympathized and we laughed together.  and then my neighbor showed up, she has a toddler and an infant, too, and so i took the kids outside to play together, and it was actually perfect timing that she just so happened to knock on my door.  but i think that at the bottom of this, a major underlying cause is that i really missed having companionship in the form of family, another mom, a grandma, during the day to go through all this with.  i get no breaks, and it's hard.  and sometimes i feel like, well what did i expect?  i'm at home with the kids!  and that i have no right to feel like this about it.  but, that's not really true.  i do have the right to these feelings, because it IS hard, and lots of other parents are going through the same things.  sometimes, after a really rough day like that i wonder if i should just go to work and send the kids to daycare.  when i was a younger adult, i always said that i didn't know if i could stay at home with kids all day, i knew it was challenging.  but after having my babies i felt like i could not leave them.  i wanted to raise them.  i wanted to be there to witness all their firsts and help them learn, and sing prayers to them and all that stuff.  but sometimes, i second guess that, haha.  maaaaaaaaaaybe i'm not cut out for this after all.  this is what is so difficult about the whole situation; i want to be there with my kids during the day, but i want my own time, too, and i don't want all the chaos and super hectic-ness of being a two working parent household.  almost everyone else i know does it, and i know that they figure it out and it works out just fine, but i can't really see myself working full time and being away from my kids all day.  not right now anyway, but definitely when they are older.  and don't get it wrong, i have NO JUDGEMENT for other families that do.  every family has their own needs and can decide what's best for their family and it's all good.  this is just for me and my family, what hubs and i have consulted about and always conclude.  although after hubby had paternity leave and was at home with me and the kids for a month he reminded me that i did not have to stay at home, it was my choice, haha, he knows it's hard.
anyway.  that's my struggle right now.  and i'm trying to do things in order to snap myself out of this funk.  building my village, spending time with other mamas and their kiddos during the day, going outside to the park or on walks, getting the kids on better schedules, having activities for z to do.  things i'd like to implement include an exercise regimen for me, scheduled time for myself where i can do whatever i want, time for me and the hubs to spend together.  i'd love to find someone to come over and babysit once or twice a week for a few hours so i can work on things around the house that i don't have time to do.  i think when not everything that i do day to day is about the kids, i will feel a little more balanced.

but besides all that stuff, haha....the kids are actually really great.  ava is more interactive now and z is so thoughtful and great with her.  sometimes he can be a little rough, but not usually on purpose.  she absolutely adores him and watches everything he does with big eyes and usually a smile, and he makes her giggle.  whenever i tickle z or give him a horsey ride or whatever, he always asks if i can do it to baby sister, too, and then watches her reaction, her face, and gets just as excited when she laughs and is having fun.  it is so great.  he does get a little jealous, like if he is feeling tired or vulnerable in some way and needs some mama hugs but i'm feeding ava or something, he says, "mama, hoooooooooold meeeeee! put baby sister dowwwwwnnnn!" but that is to be expected, after all, he is still my little guy.  sometimes when i get a little overwhelmed with it all, i think about the days when they will be holding hands, running through the house, playing and figuring stuff out together.  it will be so good for them, so good for us, too.  and i receive these little reminders every now and then about how much worse things could be, how blessed we are and to remember to be appreciative of what we do have going on here.  often times, the things in life that take a lot of time and effort, steadfastness and diligence, are the things that are the most important, the fabric of life, the things that turn out to be the best.  and watching these two kiddos together is the best.

also.  i think i need to lighten up a bit. 

so hopefully the next time i write about this topic, i will have figured some things out.