a little spiritual recharge

so, a little while back, in december, i had this amazing opportunity.

way back on this blog, after z was born i wrote about feeling out of sorts spiritually.  i was having trouble praying daily and reading the Bahai writings.  in my faith we are supposed to say an obligatory daily prayer and i was not consistently saying it.  i felt disconnected from God.  i did not at all feel like i was practicing spiritual parenting.  or a spiritual life.

and i struggled with it for a long time.  i tried to be more consistent and take time to work on my spiritual health, but i just felt like i did not have the time between finishing school, kids, house stuff, family and friends and hubby.  and i even felt guilty taking the time.  in my head i understood that taking time out every day to pray and meditate would benefit me and my family, but in practice it seemed impossible.  and the less i spent praying and reading writings and meditating, the harder it seemed to get it back together.  sometimes i would say my obligatory prayers consistently for a time and then i would either forget or get too busy.  and when i did take time to say prayers, the environment was not conducive to a prayerful and focused attitude.  in fact, a lot of times i would steal away to the bathroom and rush through prayers while the kids were playing or screaming in the background, or with my mind on my children hoping the they were safe for a few moments by themselves.  i tried a few different options like praying while ava was taking a nap and z was watching a show.  but nothing really fit.  and this all caused such guilt and hopelessness and sadness and longing.

then at some point in november, after ava's first birthday (and after the presidential elections, haha), i spent a lot of time thinking and consulting the Bahai writings and praying about all kinds of things; parenting, my future career options, the state of humanity and our society, how to get everything done that i want to get done during the days, how to offer meaningful service to my community, and on and on.  you know, just some light topics.  i had some partially formed ideas rolling around in my head.

and a few days later, as i was perusing the Facebook, i saw a post on the Bahai mommies group that i am on about a 21 day spiritual recharge.  so i checked it out.  basically, these two wonderful mamas, that have offered some other wonderful services including websites and parenting resources, put together this program for other mamas struggling to focus on and prioritize their own spiritual growth while raising kids and working and taking care of the house and all the other things that mamas do.  they chose a prayer and writing to reflect on daily, and also offered practical advise on how to make the time and space to say prayers, read writings, meditate.  and there were over 300 other mamas that joined as well.  which was amazing, because lots of other mothers were able to give suggestions on specific challenges.  but besides that, it was extremely encouraging (in a weird way) to know that so many other wonderful mothers struggled with a lot of the same things i did.  even people that had been mamas for many years.  like, maybe i wasn't failing.  maybe, this period of time when raising children, can actually be very difficult (in addition to being awesome).  but not just difficult in the usual ways you think parenting is difficult.  there is a whole added level of complexity when you are also trying to work on your own spiritual journey.  and having this support system, even in the form of a social media group, was very helpful and motivating and exciting for me.  i looked forward to it every day.  

before the spiritual recharge started, the group members were tasked with writing down why we were participating, what our goals were, what we wanted to get out of it and 3 actions that would help us achieve these goals.  that in itself was very helpful and eye opening.  then a few days later we started.  i still struggled for a couple of days to find time to take out of the day for my prayers and meditation. until one of the mamas posted a video wherein the subject discussed was about making space for you to say your prayers.  like, physical space.  and then the next day or so, another video discussed how to figure out the best time of the day in which to reserve for prayer.  these two subjects were honestly the most helpful to me.  it made me think about finding a place in my house that i go to every single day specifically for my prayer and meditation.  she gave tips like, it should be a place that is already clean and ready for you, not a space that you have to tidy up before you start, and talk to your family so that they know at this time every day you will go to your space and say prayers.  also, the ablutions (hand and face washing) and even walking to your space should be done in a state of reverence in preparation for connecting with God.  so, it just happened to work out that we got a new area rug in the family room and i had to find a new place for my beloved kilim rug to live.  i thought, that would be a great rug for me to use to define my prayer space.  and i wanted to be cozy and the lighting to be dim.  so i decided to lay the rug in my bedroom where i feel the most cozy, and can control the intensity of light.  it really is the perfect spot for me.

  and then, figuring out the right time.  during one of these refection times, i figured it out.  a lot of the mamas said they get up a little earlier in the morning to have that time alone.  i cannot.  i am not a morning person.  i am already struggling with lack of sleep, or lack of continuous sleep, haha.  i must sleep as long my children will let me in the morning in order to function in any kind of way for the rest of the day.  so that was not an option for me.  the afternoons proved to not be the best either due to the reasons that i mentioned above.  the perfect time was right after i put Z to sleep, around 8:30pm.  at this time of night ava is asleep and hubby is downstairs, so i have some time to take for myself that is quiet, and i can pray and meditate and also reflect on the day and prepare for the next day.  it works so well for me.  i don't feel rushed.  the house is quiet.  i am sleepy but not too tired.  

the first few days after i got the space and time worked out was super productive, from a spiritual aspect, haha.  it was like i was quenching a thirst.  taking the time i needed to say prayers, for my soul to connect, to meditate and to listen to beautiful music and to think and pray about those i love and even those i don't know, felt so satisfying, soothing and full.  and i noticed that throughout the day, i would really look forward to that time at night to pray.  i also had a lot of inspiration come to me and solutions to some problems and ideas for new personal endeavors.  the whole 21 day period was wonderful, but those first few days were magical.  something that one of the mamas said in a video on one of the days was that when you have been faced with challenges and tests, it gives you so much more understanding of the writings and prayers because you have some perspective and experience.  and if you have been struggling through a period of time not taking the time or prioritizing your own spiritual growth, then when you actually do take the time to pray and meditate, it is the sweetest experience.  like fasting during the day and taking that first sip of tea or bite of food when breaking the fast.  it’s so good.  

also, you get more opportunity for practicing and making mistakes and reflecting and making a new plan for growth.  for example, she said before she had kids she thought of herself as a very patient person.  then she had her own children and realized she was not in fact very patient.  now that her patience was actually being put to the test.  but she mentioned that if she fails to show patience to her family one day, she tries not to feel bad because she will have many other opportunities the next day and the next and so on.  those two thoughts were very helpful for me, too.  

so anyway, since december i have been pretty consistently taking time out for myself to say my daily prayers, and whatever else i want/need to do in that time and space to work on my own spiritual journey.  and i haven’t been perfect at it, i have missed a few days, or maybe have been distracted sometimes.  but i am putting forth the effort.  and the times that i really feel the prayer, the words of God that are coming out of my mouth, i feel less anxious, more patient, more loving, and more empathetic.  

there is so much more about this that i would like to share and that i feel were gifts and confirmations.  but that’ll be enough for now.  

i am thinking about doing something like this myself, creating a Facebook group for mamas with the same mission.  it was just so helpful for me, and lots of the other moms on the group, that i would love to offer this.  and probably it would help me more than anyone else, haha, since i would be spending time thinking about which prayers to post and which writings to select, and having that support again albeit online.  this is one of the inspirations that i received while praying and meditating one day.  so what do you think?  would this kind of thing be useful?