buh-bye anti-anxiety medication

ok y'all.  i am done.  completely weaned off the anti-anxiety med zoloft.  i had posted previously about my decision to wean.  so now it's done.

a quick backstory; a little while back i decided i wanted to come off zoloft completely because i felt like i didn't have postpartum anxiety anymore and had no need for the meds.  so i read about some other people's experiences and decided i could probably wean stepwise by myself, without consulting a doctor.  probably not the smartest decision i have ever made.

i cut my first dose from 100% down to 50%, which is pretty steep.  it took a few days for my body to notice the difference (zoloft has a half-life of about 24 hours) and then i went through some withdrawal symptoms.  i stayed on 50% for a couple weeks and then cut it down to 25%.  i experienced some withdrawal symptoms but it wasn't quite as bad.  then after a couple more weeks, i cut it down to 12.5% and stayed there for a few more weeks.  and since i was cutting this already tiny pill into quarters (which is really hard, if you have never done it before...it leaves you with little chips and slivers of a pill), i decided i could just completely wean off altogether.  i mean, how hard could it be?  i was only taking 1/4 of a dose at this point.

apparently, it can be hard.  really freaking hard.  again, after about 3 days of completely weaning off of the med, i started having the withdrawal symptoms again.  these included feeling fuzzy headed, and light headed, having brain zaps (if you don't know what that is, google it.  they are super fun.), feeling like i could not think straight, extreme fatigue, extreme irritability, i was highly emotional, i was experiencing pain in my stomach, and had a hard time controlling anger.  i had no irrational anxiety.  so that's good.  but all the other things made this process so awful.  one of the worst days, when i was deep into the fuzzy brain, electrical zap, highly emotional stage, i read about the school shooting in florida that had just occurred that morning.  i literally sobbed.  like, all day, off and on.  it was rough.

after about 4 more days, the brain zaps went away, and my brain fog started lifting, and i had more energy and motivation.  it was amazing.  i felt like a normal human being again instead of some ragey, blubbering, ridiculous mess.  about a week after that i had a doctors appointment for my stomach issues (oh lord, that's a whole other post), and i told her what i had decided to do.  the nurse laughed at me and my doctor showed sympathy but advised not to do that again.  haha.  no problem there.  i hope i never have to deal with that ever again in my life.

i tried guys, i really tried to keep my shit together.  and i even berated myself and felt frustrated that i couldn't control the physical withdrawal symptoms.  even though i logically understood that my brain was going through major changes concerning serotonin levels and would need some time to even out again.  i had planned on meditating, doing yoga, taking walks, reading inspiring writings, eating well, and a bunch of other stuff that sounds nice in theory.  but in practice, it didn't turn out that way--i was just trying to get through.  like, hour by hour.  my poor kids and hubby.  i'm sure they didn't even recognize me.  i broke down one day when z said to me, "mama, why are you acting like this, i have never seen you like this before...?"  oh, it made me so sad and ashamed and just really really crappy to hear my 4 year old say something like that.  what an awful mom i am!  that was the thought going through my head.  i felt like the whole process was similar to my labor with z.  i had all these things planned out, that i would do during labor.  some of them i did.  but when it was go time, all i could do was to close my eyes, clench my fists, and push through.  forget the yoga.  forget meditating.

the things that helped me the most were to reach out to my village.  my parents, my girls, and my hubby.  my girls mostly took the brunt of it and they pulled through like champs.  they were there for me hour by hour (thank you marco polo app!), talking me through it, giving me encouragement, showing me how to have grace for myself, and just being the most sweet, awesome, encouraging and supportive friends anyone could have.  thanks ladies, i love you guys!

it has been almost one month since i have been completely weaned off of the meds.  i pretty much feel back to normal.  but, i am still pretty irritable and can be ragey sometimes.  who knows, maybe that's my personality now?  but i am trying to work on that as best i can.

i hope this doesn't scare anyone.  it could be that i was just really sensitive to the change caused by discontinuing the medication.  or maybe that's just normal and that's why they tell you never to stop taking your anti-anxiety medication without your doctor.  but, if you plan on doing that in the future, if it's for anxiety or depression or whatever, please please please don't be an idiot like me. consult your doctor so that they can put you on a plan and monitor your progress.  it worked out for me in the end, but i am sure that with the help of my doctor she would have made a plan that would have been much less painful and challenging for me.  so.  there we go.  it sucked, but i lived, and now i don't have to worry about it any more.  and i am thankful for the help that the medication gave me when i needed it.  i would say that's a success story wrapped around a burrito layered with tears, ice cream and soothing chamomile tea.