finally an update!
hi friends! whoever is still reading this blog! i have been away for awhile. initially it was because i was ver very busy with everything; wife, mom, son starting kindergarten, daughter starting preschool, and i was working my butt off at my photography business as well as various Baha'i activities. so i had to prioritize what my time went to although there were lots of things i wanted to write about on this blog, so maybe i will be able to at some point. i also went through some time where i wasn't posting a ton on social media in general personally, it was more for my business, and it was kind of freeing. i wasn't actually spending a lot of time on social media in general except for business stuff mostly because i was spending time posting content for my business, which takes a lot of time and energy, haha. but because of that i didn't have a lot of desire to spend more time on social media to post personal stuff. anyway, it was an unintended reduction of social media usage for personal stuff.
thennnnn. sometime in the first week of november, i realized i was pregnant. i say that because for a few days i thought i had a stomach bug or something. i was super nauseous and on the verge of throwing up, so i relaxed and took it easy and ate all the soup and drank all the ginger tea. but after 3 days, i thought it was kind of strange that i hadn't actually thrown up at all but still felt nauseous and just generally had that uneasy feeling in my stomach. we went to a baby shower, and one of my friends there told me i was pregnant, and i said no way. the next morning when i woke up, with super tender boobs i thought she might have been on to something. the morning after that after another day of feeling awful, i decided to pick up a pregnancy test after dropping both kids off at their respective schools. by this time i was sure i had several pregnancy symptoms, but was praying that i was wrong. but i knew. after 2 kids, 2 pregnancies, and knowing my body well, and knowing that something was different, i knew. i peed on the stick. the second blue line appeared instantly. literally the second i pulled the stick up to look at it. i took another test. same thing. and then i burst into tears.
i could NOT be pregnant! we were done with having babies. we, my husband and i, both wanted to be done, to move onto the next phase of parenting where we didn't have to wipe butts and make baby food and wash cloth diapers. we thought we could have a chance to travel some places as a family of four but also just the two of us sometimes. we both had plans. and for sure, i was super excited about moving forward with my photography business, putting in lots more work to implement all the ideas i had for it. and, i'm old! hahaha, i know i'm not really old, but i have already had 2 babies, and am 39, so i wasn't planning on being pregnant in my 40's, especially since i have already done this two times. i don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. i just was freaking out. called hubby, gave him the news. i'm going to be real; we had a real tough time with this new change in plans, some for the same reasons and some for different reasons. i just had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that i have to push another baby out, nurse for 2 years, and just all of the energy, time and resources from my own body that it takes to gestate, birth, feed and care for a child. it's a lot. it's literally the hardest thing to do, to be a mother. i mean that in many ways but more specifically during this time i was thinking physically. it just takes its toll on your body. and i wasn't prepared to do that again.
so it took lots of weeks for me to come to terms with this surprising change in plans. i felt shocked for a long time. i felt a little sad, anxious, angry, and then i felt guilt and shame on top of that for having these negative feelings. it's strange. i really think that babies are blessings, and especially since we are in a position to be able to have and love and raise another baby--we can provide it with material means and will do our best to love and educate this baby just like our first two. so i felt really guilty and had a lot of shame around those feelings. i felt guilty for feeling bad about a baby, because it really is miraculously amazing, and a blessing. i felt bad that other people suffer with fertility, miscarriages, loss, and here i am whining about having a third. i felt shame that we had been given this blessing from God and that i wasn't immediately feeling joy about it. i even felt guilty that Z and Ava would have to have a baby sibling. just lots of stuff going on in my head. now, please don't judge harshly or judge at all, haha, i realize and understand that this is a blessing, that lots of people can't have babies, or have trouble with conceiving naturally and all sorts of other issues. i know it's selfish to think these things. and i definitely didn't want to tempt anything by feeling anything negative. like, could i cause something bad to happen to my baby or the pregnancy by thinking this way. as much as i was shocked and struggling, i didn't want to lose the baby of course, or cause some deleterious effects because i wasn't feeling appreciative. i don't know guys, just a lot of crazy stuff up in my head.
it was super helpful to talk to a couple of really close friends about this, one had basically gone through a similar situation and the others hadn't but had really great perspective and advice. it is normal to feel these feelings, i would come through it and then would feel excited at some point to have a baby again, the spiritual growth aspect and the idea that God gives us opportunities to stretch and develop spiritually, that we would be fine. it helped to hear all that.
but it was still very hard on me. and physically, i had never felt more pregnancy nausea, which made me feel whiny because with the other two i had consented to the fact that i would feel pregnancy symptoms because i was planning on and going to be pregnant. this was a surprise, so it felt a little unfair to me at the time that i had to feel so physically unwell. haha, so that's a little bit about how i was feeling and battling during the first many weeks of this pregnancy.
at 9 weeks we were able to see the midwife. we took the kids with us and to prepare the kids for the appointment, the night before we told them that i had a baby in my belly and that we were going to the doctor the next day and that they would probably be able to see the baby on ultrasound. ava seemed happy but she didn't fully understand i don't think, but Z was smiling and asking a million questions and super excited to have a new baby in the house. it was really sweet. we went to the appointment and saw the list gummy bear on ultrasound and chatted with the midwife. they sympathized with how yucky i was feeling physically and reassured me that any feelings that i had while working through this shock would not damage the baby.
around 10.5 weeks i started to get a little energy back and instead of feeling violently nauseous i started feeling mildly nauseous during the days. it has gotten better as of now, although i can still have some bad days, and the evenings are still pretty hard as far as feeling nauseous. i can't wait until i am completely over all that, i have never done will with it. and i was extra grumpy and unbearable this time around because i felt so awful. but anyway, because i have been feeling better during the days i have been able to function better and do things, haha. and during the winter break, when hubby was home we started working on some projects. it was nice to feel like we were making some progress and being productive, especially after many weeks of me not being able to. i mean, i literally just laid on the couch a lot of days and did the very bear minimum to get me and the kids through each day, that's how awful i felt.
but now it's on! well, mostly, i still feel very tired and i have to take breaks to rest. but i was thinking that everything needs to be efficient and functional if i am going to have 3 kids, so i started thinking and making lists and consulting with hubby on what we need to do to get things in order. it's not that our house is a total wreck or completely disorganized, but there were some things that could work better for us. i'll be posting about those projects later; an art closet for the kids, organized closets in the kids' rooms, a re-vamped guest room closet, plans to make the guest room function as a nursery, too, stuff like that.
i probably won't be doing weekly updates like i did with the other two, just because i already did it, and i probably won't have as much time now, but i do want to do some updates sometimes. i'll probably do one soon, sometime this week. so stay tuned for a baby update and for an update on some projects!
thennnnn. sometime in the first week of november, i realized i was pregnant. i say that because for a few days i thought i had a stomach bug or something. i was super nauseous and on the verge of throwing up, so i relaxed and took it easy and ate all the soup and drank all the ginger tea. but after 3 days, i thought it was kind of strange that i hadn't actually thrown up at all but still felt nauseous and just generally had that uneasy feeling in my stomach. we went to a baby shower, and one of my friends there told me i was pregnant, and i said no way. the next morning when i woke up, with super tender boobs i thought she might have been on to something. the morning after that after another day of feeling awful, i decided to pick up a pregnancy test after dropping both kids off at their respective schools. by this time i was sure i had several pregnancy symptoms, but was praying that i was wrong. but i knew. after 2 kids, 2 pregnancies, and knowing my body well, and knowing that something was different, i knew. i peed on the stick. the second blue line appeared instantly. literally the second i pulled the stick up to look at it. i took another test. same thing. and then i burst into tears.
i could NOT be pregnant! we were done with having babies. we, my husband and i, both wanted to be done, to move onto the next phase of parenting where we didn't have to wipe butts and make baby food and wash cloth diapers. we thought we could have a chance to travel some places as a family of four but also just the two of us sometimes. we both had plans. and for sure, i was super excited about moving forward with my photography business, putting in lots more work to implement all the ideas i had for it. and, i'm old! hahaha, i know i'm not really old, but i have already had 2 babies, and am 39, so i wasn't planning on being pregnant in my 40's, especially since i have already done this two times. i don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. i just was freaking out. called hubby, gave him the news. i'm going to be real; we had a real tough time with this new change in plans, some for the same reasons and some for different reasons. i just had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that i have to push another baby out, nurse for 2 years, and just all of the energy, time and resources from my own body that it takes to gestate, birth, feed and care for a child. it's a lot. it's literally the hardest thing to do, to be a mother. i mean that in many ways but more specifically during this time i was thinking physically. it just takes its toll on your body. and i wasn't prepared to do that again.
so it took lots of weeks for me to come to terms with this surprising change in plans. i felt shocked for a long time. i felt a little sad, anxious, angry, and then i felt guilt and shame on top of that for having these negative feelings. it's strange. i really think that babies are blessings, and especially since we are in a position to be able to have and love and raise another baby--we can provide it with material means and will do our best to love and educate this baby just like our first two. so i felt really guilty and had a lot of shame around those feelings. i felt guilty for feeling bad about a baby, because it really is miraculously amazing, and a blessing. i felt bad that other people suffer with fertility, miscarriages, loss, and here i am whining about having a third. i felt shame that we had been given this blessing from God and that i wasn't immediately feeling joy about it. i even felt guilty that Z and Ava would have to have a baby sibling. just lots of stuff going on in my head. now, please don't judge harshly or judge at all, haha, i realize and understand that this is a blessing, that lots of people can't have babies, or have trouble with conceiving naturally and all sorts of other issues. i know it's selfish to think these things. and i definitely didn't want to tempt anything by feeling anything negative. like, could i cause something bad to happen to my baby or the pregnancy by thinking this way. as much as i was shocked and struggling, i didn't want to lose the baby of course, or cause some deleterious effects because i wasn't feeling appreciative. i don't know guys, just a lot of crazy stuff up in my head.
it was super helpful to talk to a couple of really close friends about this, one had basically gone through a similar situation and the others hadn't but had really great perspective and advice. it is normal to feel these feelings, i would come through it and then would feel excited at some point to have a baby again, the spiritual growth aspect and the idea that God gives us opportunities to stretch and develop spiritually, that we would be fine. it helped to hear all that.
but it was still very hard on me. and physically, i had never felt more pregnancy nausea, which made me feel whiny because with the other two i had consented to the fact that i would feel pregnancy symptoms because i was planning on and going to be pregnant. this was a surprise, so it felt a little unfair to me at the time that i had to feel so physically unwell. haha, so that's a little bit about how i was feeling and battling during the first many weeks of this pregnancy.
at 9 weeks we were able to see the midwife. we took the kids with us and to prepare the kids for the appointment, the night before we told them that i had a baby in my belly and that we were going to the doctor the next day and that they would probably be able to see the baby on ultrasound. ava seemed happy but she didn't fully understand i don't think, but Z was smiling and asking a million questions and super excited to have a new baby in the house. it was really sweet. we went to the appointment and saw the list gummy bear on ultrasound and chatted with the midwife. they sympathized with how yucky i was feeling physically and reassured me that any feelings that i had while working through this shock would not damage the baby.
around 10.5 weeks i started to get a little energy back and instead of feeling violently nauseous i started feeling mildly nauseous during the days. it has gotten better as of now, although i can still have some bad days, and the evenings are still pretty hard as far as feeling nauseous. i can't wait until i am completely over all that, i have never done will with it. and i was extra grumpy and unbearable this time around because i felt so awful. but anyway, because i have been feeling better during the days i have been able to function better and do things, haha. and during the winter break, when hubby was home we started working on some projects. it was nice to feel like we were making some progress and being productive, especially after many weeks of me not being able to. i mean, i literally just laid on the couch a lot of days and did the very bear minimum to get me and the kids through each day, that's how awful i felt.
but now it's on! well, mostly, i still feel very tired and i have to take breaks to rest. but i was thinking that everything needs to be efficient and functional if i am going to have 3 kids, so i started thinking and making lists and consulting with hubby on what we need to do to get things in order. it's not that our house is a total wreck or completely disorganized, but there were some things that could work better for us. i'll be posting about those projects later; an art closet for the kids, organized closets in the kids' rooms, a re-vamped guest room closet, plans to make the guest room function as a nursery, too, stuff like that.
i probably won't be doing weekly updates like i did with the other two, just because i already did it, and i probably won't have as much time now, but i do want to do some updates sometimes. i'll probably do one soon, sometime this week. so stay tuned for a baby update and for an update on some projects!
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