why we deserve self-care
hey all. so a few weeks ago i wrote a post, here, about self-care, and why we need to think differently about what self-care actually is. i wanted to follow up with a few other posts to take the discussion a little further.
in this post i want to talk about WHY we need to take the time to practice 'self-care'. i know, i know you have heard it before. i used to be like you. haha. i understand why we need to take care of ourselves, so that we can be the best wife/mother/friend/daughter/community member/etc, we can't pour from an empty cup, we will keep burning until we have no more fuel, and on and on. these are things that i have read, said to myself and others numerous times in the past. logically i get it. but it wasn't until i actually did start to break down in many aspects that i fully came to know why i really do HAVE to take care of myself. in my experience, i have realized several different aspects of why this is true.
first and foremost; we are created by God. one of the most beautiful and touching quotes that i have ever read states:
"Veiled in my immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of my essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image, and revealed to thee My beauty." Baha'u'llah, The Hidden Words
honestly the first time i read this quote i cried because i thought it was so amazing that God would create humanity, and each one of us, simply because He knew how much He would love us. even though we are continually messing up! haha. another quote that i love, "For in him are potentially revealed all the attributes and names of God to a degree that no other created being hath excelled or surpassed." and another, "Upon the reality of man, however, He hath focused the radiance of all His names and attributes, and made it a mirror of His own Self. Alone of all created things man hath been singled out for so great a favor, so enduring a bounty." both of these quotes are from Baha'u'llah. i think that all of God's creations are amazing. from these quotes it is clear that humans are his shining glory and have the potential to reflect all of His attributes and perfections. it makes me look at my children and i think about all the beauty in their sweet faces and makes me in awe of how He created these little souls. i am absolutely amazed at it. and then i remember that i am also a creation of God. if i give other people grace, take care of their needs, love them and take time for them, then of course i need to do that for myself. if i love my children or husband or friends, family, etc as a creation of God and i want to serve them and do things to make them happy, why can't i do that for myself? it doesn't make any sense. so i need to honor myself as one of God's creations that is deserving of this love and care, too!
second: i am a human woman. not a machine. i cannot exist without a reasonable amount of sleep, eating good food, feeding my soul with prayer and meditation, interacting with other human adults, and having some time to myself to unwind. when i push myself and don't listen to my body and consistently shuffle my own needs down to the bottom of the list i end up feeling overstretched, overwhelmed, unappreciated and resentful. i would never hold a job that didn't allow me to take bathroom breaks, a proper lunch break and have reasonable hours. now, i know that raising kids isn't exactly the same as a regular job, because it's far more dynamic than that in so many ways, but you know what i mean. in order to stay healthy in my body, mind and soul, i cannot keep putting my needs below everything else. if i need to take a little break because i am feeling overwhelmed, the dishes can wait. additionally, i would never give the advice to my friends to just go go go and work yourself to the ground without giving yourself a second thought. i would be (and am) supportive and encourage my friends to do the things that they need to do that bring themselves joy. they deserve it. have some grace for yourself. you hold up the kids and household and that's a huge duty, so you need to take care of yourself. etc. i want to see my friends experiencing joy and all the great things that life has to offer. i want them to enjoy their hobbies and friends/family/spouses, i want them to know how important they are to so many people around them and that they matter. so why on earth is it so hard for me to give myself that same kind of grace, love and patience? it simply doesn't make sense.
third: because my kids, hubby and household need me, i have to stay well. this is part of a bigger dynamic as well. the family is the foundation of society. my hubby and i have entered into this fortress of well-being and salvation together with the joining of our lives in marriage and the most important fruits of that union are our children. we are responsible to raise people that will be the stewards of the earth, the builders of a new world, the ones who must work to raise up a new standard. this is no joke. it requires so much more of us as parents. we have to be better, we have to stretch ourselves to parent these guys to be strong, resilient and steadfast in the face of a crumbling society. it. is. so. haaaaaard. and most of the time i think that i am failing. but to even just maintain a decent daily routine requires so much of my time, mental capacity and physical energy. i want to do this, i want to be here with my kiddos and i want to be the one who walks this path with them. and when i am sick, or run down or overstressed, i just do not have the bandwidth to do it properly. and it's not fair to the kids. or my hubby. so in order to be well enough to do this job and to serve my family and community, i absolutely must stay physically healthy, and not on the verge of losing my shizz everyday.
fourth: "For mothers are the first educators, the first mentors; and truly it is the mothers who determine the happiness, the future greatness, the courteous ways and learning and judgement, the understanding and the faith of their little ones." Abdu'l-Baha
this is a huge duty and privilege. and i really think that the kids learn so much from our actions, words and even our non-verbal physical signs and energy. they are incredibly perceptive even if they can't articulate what they are feeling or picking up on. and since we are their mentors from the start, we really have to think about what kind of example we are setting for them in so many different ways. for instance, i do not want my daughters to think that they don't deserve to take time for themselves. i want them to serve humanity and do what they can to contribute to a peaceful society, but i don't want them to be walked all over, or to constantly put their needs behind everything else to the point of exhaustion, stress, anxiety and any other negative stuff. i want them to understand their inherent worth. i also want them to remember me as a loving, supportive mom who is there for them physically and emotionally. i want them to see me working hard but also enjoying life, having fun with them and just generally being a boss. because that's what i want for them. i don't want to play the martyr, inadvertently modeling for them what motherhood "should" look like. same goes for my son. i want him to be a supporter and advocate for women. and i would never want him to treat his wife or any other person like a secondhand citizen in any way. i want him to grasp the equality of men and women, each having their own roles vital to the health of the family and society but definitely equal. and that all starts with us; the parents. i have to show myself love and grace and my hubby has to be supportive and encouraging so that our kids can learn this, too. it super helps if you think about your parents, their roles, how they worked together, etc. was your mom constantly cooking? was she always too busy to play with you? did she lash out because she really felt resentful or exhausted? well, all of these things can apply to dads, as well. it is really eye opening when you reflect back to your childhood and think about, objectively, what you experienced, and then perhaps why your parents may have parented you a certain way. but always with love and patience. most parents are doing the best they can, so give them some grace, too.
fifth: this is huge; because i want to! this is my only life here in this physical body and the older i get the more i realize how short our time is here and how much i want to enjoy my life! i really don't want to look back and think, oh i should have spent more time with my kids or my spouse (which i already feel btw). i don't want to look back and think, wow i really wanted to experience "xyz" but at least i always had a clean kitchen! how lame is that?! i want to experience joy everyday in whatever ways i want and i should not be made to feel guilty about it. sometimes that means i need to clean the kitchen because clutter and mess stress me out. sometimes that means writing a blog post. sometimes that means hanging out with a friend. but whatever it is, i want it! i am coming to understand more and more that i don't have a deadline for doing the laundry. i need to throw out the self-imposed timeline of household chores. yes, they need to get done and they will. but is cleaning the house a more important priority over my happiness? maybe for you it's something different, maybe you are a full time working mom ( i mean outside of the home) or maybe you have help at home, or whatever the situation is----you STILL need to take care of yourself, you still deserve the time to experience joy in your life. hopefully every day!
i hope this was helpful or resonated with you in some way. i 100% believe that you are entitled to treat yourself with love, respect and grace, and to be able to have some fun and not feel guilty for making your needs a priority. over the last 6.5 years i have learned so much and i really really understand and have seen the consequences of not at least taking care of myself and allowing time for my own happiness. for real, if the mama is not functioning well, the family isn't functioning well and that ripples out to have effects in the community and society. so tell me what your thoughts are about this and if you have anything to add. thanks!
in this post i want to talk about WHY we need to take the time to practice 'self-care'. i know, i know you have heard it before. i used to be like you. haha. i understand why we need to take care of ourselves, so that we can be the best wife/mother/friend/daughter/community member/etc, we can't pour from an empty cup, we will keep burning until we have no more fuel, and on and on. these are things that i have read, said to myself and others numerous times in the past. logically i get it. but it wasn't until i actually did start to break down in many aspects that i fully came to know why i really do HAVE to take care of myself. in my experience, i have realized several different aspects of why this is true.
first and foremost; we are created by God. one of the most beautiful and touching quotes that i have ever read states:
"Veiled in my immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of my essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image, and revealed to thee My beauty." Baha'u'llah, The Hidden Words
honestly the first time i read this quote i cried because i thought it was so amazing that God would create humanity, and each one of us, simply because He knew how much He would love us. even though we are continually messing up! haha. another quote that i love, "For in him are potentially revealed all the attributes and names of God to a degree that no other created being hath excelled or surpassed." and another, "Upon the reality of man, however, He hath focused the radiance of all His names and attributes, and made it a mirror of His own Self. Alone of all created things man hath been singled out for so great a favor, so enduring a bounty." both of these quotes are from Baha'u'llah. i think that all of God's creations are amazing. from these quotes it is clear that humans are his shining glory and have the potential to reflect all of His attributes and perfections. it makes me look at my children and i think about all the beauty in their sweet faces and makes me in awe of how He created these little souls. i am absolutely amazed at it. and then i remember that i am also a creation of God. if i give other people grace, take care of their needs, love them and take time for them, then of course i need to do that for myself. if i love my children or husband or friends, family, etc as a creation of God and i want to serve them and do things to make them happy, why can't i do that for myself? it doesn't make any sense. so i need to honor myself as one of God's creations that is deserving of this love and care, too!
second: i am a human woman. not a machine. i cannot exist without a reasonable amount of sleep, eating good food, feeding my soul with prayer and meditation, interacting with other human adults, and having some time to myself to unwind. when i push myself and don't listen to my body and consistently shuffle my own needs down to the bottom of the list i end up feeling overstretched, overwhelmed, unappreciated and resentful. i would never hold a job that didn't allow me to take bathroom breaks, a proper lunch break and have reasonable hours. now, i know that raising kids isn't exactly the same as a regular job, because it's far more dynamic than that in so many ways, but you know what i mean. in order to stay healthy in my body, mind and soul, i cannot keep putting my needs below everything else. if i need to take a little break because i am feeling overwhelmed, the dishes can wait. additionally, i would never give the advice to my friends to just go go go and work yourself to the ground without giving yourself a second thought. i would be (and am) supportive and encourage my friends to do the things that they need to do that bring themselves joy. they deserve it. have some grace for yourself. you hold up the kids and household and that's a huge duty, so you need to take care of yourself. etc. i want to see my friends experiencing joy and all the great things that life has to offer. i want them to enjoy their hobbies and friends/family/spouses, i want them to know how important they are to so many people around them and that they matter. so why on earth is it so hard for me to give myself that same kind of grace, love and patience? it simply doesn't make sense.
third: because my kids, hubby and household need me, i have to stay well. this is part of a bigger dynamic as well. the family is the foundation of society. my hubby and i have entered into this fortress of well-being and salvation together with the joining of our lives in marriage and the most important fruits of that union are our children. we are responsible to raise people that will be the stewards of the earth, the builders of a new world, the ones who must work to raise up a new standard. this is no joke. it requires so much more of us as parents. we have to be better, we have to stretch ourselves to parent these guys to be strong, resilient and steadfast in the face of a crumbling society. it. is. so. haaaaaard. and most of the time i think that i am failing. but to even just maintain a decent daily routine requires so much of my time, mental capacity and physical energy. i want to do this, i want to be here with my kiddos and i want to be the one who walks this path with them. and when i am sick, or run down or overstressed, i just do not have the bandwidth to do it properly. and it's not fair to the kids. or my hubby. so in order to be well enough to do this job and to serve my family and community, i absolutely must stay physically healthy, and not on the verge of losing my shizz everyday.
fourth: "For mothers are the first educators, the first mentors; and truly it is the mothers who determine the happiness, the future greatness, the courteous ways and learning and judgement, the understanding and the faith of their little ones." Abdu'l-Baha
this is a huge duty and privilege. and i really think that the kids learn so much from our actions, words and even our non-verbal physical signs and energy. they are incredibly perceptive even if they can't articulate what they are feeling or picking up on. and since we are their mentors from the start, we really have to think about what kind of example we are setting for them in so many different ways. for instance, i do not want my daughters to think that they don't deserve to take time for themselves. i want them to serve humanity and do what they can to contribute to a peaceful society, but i don't want them to be walked all over, or to constantly put their needs behind everything else to the point of exhaustion, stress, anxiety and any other negative stuff. i want them to understand their inherent worth. i also want them to remember me as a loving, supportive mom who is there for them physically and emotionally. i want them to see me working hard but also enjoying life, having fun with them and just generally being a boss. because that's what i want for them. i don't want to play the martyr, inadvertently modeling for them what motherhood "should" look like. same goes for my son. i want him to be a supporter and advocate for women. and i would never want him to treat his wife or any other person like a secondhand citizen in any way. i want him to grasp the equality of men and women, each having their own roles vital to the health of the family and society but definitely equal. and that all starts with us; the parents. i have to show myself love and grace and my hubby has to be supportive and encouraging so that our kids can learn this, too. it super helps if you think about your parents, their roles, how they worked together, etc. was your mom constantly cooking? was she always too busy to play with you? did she lash out because she really felt resentful or exhausted? well, all of these things can apply to dads, as well. it is really eye opening when you reflect back to your childhood and think about, objectively, what you experienced, and then perhaps why your parents may have parented you a certain way. but always with love and patience. most parents are doing the best they can, so give them some grace, too.
fifth: this is huge; because i want to! this is my only life here in this physical body and the older i get the more i realize how short our time is here and how much i want to enjoy my life! i really don't want to look back and think, oh i should have spent more time with my kids or my spouse (which i already feel btw). i don't want to look back and think, wow i really wanted to experience "xyz" but at least i always had a clean kitchen! how lame is that?! i want to experience joy everyday in whatever ways i want and i should not be made to feel guilty about it. sometimes that means i need to clean the kitchen because clutter and mess stress me out. sometimes that means writing a blog post. sometimes that means hanging out with a friend. but whatever it is, i want it! i am coming to understand more and more that i don't have a deadline for doing the laundry. i need to throw out the self-imposed timeline of household chores. yes, they need to get done and they will. but is cleaning the house a more important priority over my happiness? maybe for you it's something different, maybe you are a full time working mom ( i mean outside of the home) or maybe you have help at home, or whatever the situation is----you STILL need to take care of yourself, you still deserve the time to experience joy in your life. hopefully every day!
i hope this was helpful or resonated with you in some way. i 100% believe that you are entitled to treat yourself with love, respect and grace, and to be able to have some fun and not feel guilty for making your needs a priority. over the last 6.5 years i have learned so much and i really really understand and have seen the consequences of not at least taking care of myself and allowing time for my own happiness. for real, if the mama is not functioning well, the family isn't functioning well and that ripples out to have effects in the community and society. so tell me what your thoughts are about this and if you have anything to add. thanks!
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