newborn baby love?

2 days old, skin to skin with momma

a little over a month after mr z was born, one of my best friends asked me this question, "when you birthed your baby and he was in your arms for the first time, did you just have this overwhelming sense of love and emotion?".  and i had to pause for a beat, because my automatic answer would be yes.  but in reality, it wasn't exactly like that.  my friend said that one of her lifelong friends had answered that same question with a response that was unexpected, something like that she didn't have that overwhelming sense of happiness and love, and my friend was a little bit disappointed.  she had wanted to hear that her friend was soooo happy and full of love that her heart was bursting.  and why should she think something different?  this is what is portrayed in society nowadays through movies and books and other mothers' childbirth stories.  so i think she asked me to see if i would give her a more satisfying answer.  and i felt a little bad, because i don't think i gave her what she was looking for.  i gave some lame response like, 'i didn't have that super amazing heart bursting joy and happiness and love, but i was more in shock and amazement that this was the little guy that was in my womb for 9 months'.  i told her that the love grew and after the first couple of weeks i felt it.  and i think she understood, but was still kind of disappointed at my answer.  i have since gone back to that conversation, mulling over my response and what i was actually trying to convey but couldn't articulate.  it's now, when my baby is 5.5 months old that i can get a better grasp on this whole love for your baby thing.  and i say 'better grasp' because it is such uncharted territory that i still have a hard time explaining it or forming it properly in my brain.  but basically this is what i have so far:  when my baby was born i was in shock but more awestruck than anything.  i didn't have a huge flood of emotion at that moment.  i think part of the reason is that i was so amazed that i finally pushed the baby out after almost 4 hours of hard pushing that i was so grateful it was over.  and then as i had mentioned to my friend, the amazement i felt at finally meeting this little guy.  but i didn't cry or get super emotional like i expected that i would.  i was happy and of course i loved my baby, but it wasn't like a scene out of a movie.  and even through the next couple of weeks of newborn-ness, i still didn't get the overwhelming sense of love.  it wasn't until we were out of that first month that i felt like it.  don't get me wrong, i loved my baby and was so happy to have him here, but i was also tired, anxious, nervous, and my body was still healing.  the whole first-weeks-newborn experience is so foreign and can be difficult because of hormone fluctuations, uncertainty and lack of confidence about mothering, worry about whether baby is healthy and is getting enough milk and on and on, and you can't have a two way verbal communication with baby to be reassured that you are doing the right things and that baby loves you, there is no reciprocity.  it was sometime around when z was nearing 2 months old that i felt the first waves of all consuming love for my baby, right before i made this post.  i can't pin down what exactly made that happen, but all of a sudden i felt this fierce, visceral love for him.  and it didn't make me extremely happy, it made me scared and fearful.  i felt so vulnerable and that if for some reason my baby was taken away from me, from this world, i could no longer live either.  i remembered feeling that way about my husband after we were married.  i also remembered that the fear eventually faded and i was left with just love for my hubs.  but it is different with my child, i still have a little fear in the background.  maybe that is normal?  maybe all mothers have it?  after talking about it with hubby he suggested that i be more diligent about praying and reading the writings of our faith.  and that has helped a lot.  but  back to this love thing, it is always there but big emotional surges of love for baby happen in waves.  sometimes i will look down at his adorable face and swell with happiness and love and joy.  and right now at this moment i love this little guy so much that it makes my heart ache.  so i guess as a follow up answer to my friend's question, for her benefit but also for myself, the overwhelming love and emotion did come, but it happened after i could settle into motherhood a little more rather than at the start.  at first i thought, how horrible that i didn't experience this incredible happiness when my baby was born, am i a terrible mother, but later after reading some other momma bloggers and their experiences, it seems actually kind of common.  and i think that it is a little bit dangerous to have unrealistic expectations for that moment, similar to love and marriage, right?  it's not a fairy tale and in reality it is not how it is portrayed in the romantic comedies---you wait for your perfect mate, the one person on earth that is perfect for you and without him/her you will never be complete and happy, and when you do find them life is perfect.  perhaps lots of mommas do feel incredible happiness and love for their baby right after they are born, because every woman is different and each situation is different.  i just wish that people would not be afraid to be real about their experience so that the rest of us that weren't immediately filled with the most amazing joy didn't feel so out of line.  so anyway, what has been your experience?  did you have that rush of emotion right after your baby was born/arrived or did it happen later?  please share!  

right after giving birth, feeling amazed and awestruck