thoughts on becoming a mother of a one year old

baby z about a week old

i really can't believe that my baby is going to be one year old. it's weird, maybe other mommas have felt the same, but i have some mixed feelings.  i am relieved that we all got through the first year alive. i'm a little sad that the year went by so fast.  it's hard to explain, the mix of emotions.  sometimes when i look at him i still see a little guy, with little toes and little hands and little legs.  then other times he seems so big to me, not physically big and tall but more like, grown.  i love watching him learn new things and listen to him babble.  i can sit and be totally content while watching him play.  i get excited when i think about our future with him; camping trips and school, siblings, cousins, going to all the cool places my folks took me and my brother as kids, playing sports, creating art.  i imagine what he will look like when is bigger and what his personality will be.  i think about what kind of brother he will be to his (hopefully) future siblings.  will he enjoy reading?  will he be a good student?  will he want to ride his bike all day after school?  i can't wait to teach him how to play basketball and how to memorize some short prayers, to bake cookies and watch movies.  we talk about him spending the day with his uncle and how much fun he will have, or hanging out with his cousins while they teach him to fish.  i know he will have fond memories to look back on with all of his grandparents, they all love him so much and will have a great time together.  at the same time i am terrified when i think about him being away from me for so many hours during the day when he will start to go to school and it makes me anxious to think that he will inevitably get hurt many times throughout his life, both emotionally and physically.  i often think about how blessed we are in this time right now, z and me and hubs, our little family, because he gets all of our attention without having to share it with any other kids.  hubs and i get to focus on him and really spend quality time with him, something that any of his future siblings won't have the opportunity to experience.  i love our little family so much it makes my heart feel pinchy.  being a mother over this past year has taught me so much.  about myself, about my husband, about my parents and my in-laws, and the rest of my family.  it has given me such perspective on so many things.  i feel like i appreciate my parents and grandparents so much more after becoming a parent.  especially my mom.  and my mother-in-law.  it is such a life changing event, becoming a mother, physically and emotionally, spiritually.  i feel like my flaws are so much more evident, i can see so clearly the aspects of myself that i need to work on (or have been working on but still have a long way to go yet!).  but sometimes i surprise myself when i am extra patient or kind in a situation when i really just want to snap.  i thought that being married would soften any rough edges and make me become a better person, and it has, but i feel like motherhood really speeds up the process.  i think about what a wonderful gift from God my son is, in so many ways that i am not even aware yet.  having a child makes me understand a little bit more the relationship between God and humanity.  obviously, to a much much smaller degree, but i understand loving a person so much, unconditionally.  of wanting to create a baby out of love, because even through all of the difficulties, disappointments, frustrations and hardships, i know just how much love and joy and life this little one will bring not only to my husband and me but also our family, our parents.

little charmer

it's crazy to think that at this time a year ago, i was 9 months pregnant and nearing my due date.  i had finished spring quarter at school and was in major nesting mode, preparing our place for the baby.  i was huge and swollen and uncomfortable, but excited and nervous and just ready to meet my boy.  i was a little anxious for labor and delivery, especially since i was planning on having no interventions or pain meds.  but i felt as prepared as i possibly could be since i obsessively read and watched everything i could about "natural childbirth".  but nothing prepares you, really, it's so intangible.  and the afternoon that the baby arrived, i was in shock, i was elated, i was running on adrenaline and hormones and pure love and amazement at the process and my beautiful, perfect little man.

nursing hands

 i could go on and on about him and our time together over the past year.  but i should stop.  i came across this poem in a book that my wonderful sister-in-law got me as a gift, and i love love love it:

"Little one, little one of my heart, I am thy first love and the first to give thee a heart in love.  When I come near, thou smilest and strechest out they little hands.  And when I lift thee to me, thou foldest thine arms about my neck, and pressest thy smooth cheek to mine, calling me love names in thy baby-talk.  What is there so sweet as love!  and what is so sweet as love at its dawning, new love, first love!  Yet night by night, I kneel, and beg of Him Who answers every prayer that through the coming years He will make ever more deep and sweet this early love of ours."
                                       

   -George Townsend

honestly, when i read this poem for the first time i got a little misty eyed.  and i'm not really a poem-y person.  it just came to me at the perfect time and i really felt it, you know?  especially the last part; "I kneel and beg of Him Who answers every prayer that through the coming years He will make ever more deep and sweet this early love of ours", it's so perfect for how i feel right now, for the three of us.

big guy napping on mama, 10 months old

i'm just hugging and kissing and squishing him as much as i can right now.  and i often thank God, so so so much for giving me such a wonderful partner to experience this journey with.  i am so thankful for my hubby, he is my buddy, my love, my commiserator. having this little person to raise can really place a strain on us and our marriage sometimes, but i am so glad to be going through this with him, side by side.  and my heart just bursts when i see him cuddle, kiss and play with our son or when he gets all mushy after z gets so excited to see him come home from work and gives him a big kiss. 

motherhood has been so interesting; challenging, emotional, full of ups and downs and at times plain frustrating or miserable. it's also the best thing i have ever been a part of and i can't imagine my life without my hubby or my little boy in it. so, there you have it. my very sappy thoughts about this first year with Z.