anxiety

anxiety, as in post partum anxiety.  that is what i have, per my doctor.  as soon as she told me that, i was like, oh yea, duh!  that makes total sense.  i don't know why i never really gave it much thought before, i knew i was experiencing lots of anxiety, but i didn't feel depressed so i didn't think that i had post partum depression.  but as soon as i began filling out the questionnaires that she gave me and talked to her about it, the more it was clear.  how often do you experience anxiety?  how often do you feel overwhelmed?  how often do you feel irritable?  how often do you feel afraid of something bad happening to you or your children?  every question was answered with "daily".  yikes!  so, i talked to the doctor about my options; counselling, exercise, mindfulness, meditation, medication.  she explained that this time in a person's life, raising little ones that is, happens to be one of the toughest times where things like marital troubles, depression, anxiety, stress, etc, are an issue and that it does get easier.  she really pushed the exercise and counseling, although it's hard to fit those in when at home by myself with two little ones and not really any childcare set up.  she also suggested medication.  i was hesitant, because i didn't really want to deal with side effects and taking medication while breastfeeding and any possible withdraw when ending the medication.  she understood and explained that i would be taking the lowest dose, a very mild prescription, safe for breastfeeding, very little side effects if any, and that when a person is in a state of depression or anxiety for an extended period of time it changes the way the brain functions, so medication can help get things back on track, and most importantly that it would be temporary.

so i went home and read all i could about this specific medication, post partum anxiety and other mama's experiences with it and with the medication.  most mamas were very grateful for the medicine and the relief it gave.  few had negative reactions or side effects.  most were taking doses larger than what my doctor prescribed.  however, i noticed that most of the mamas that were writing about their experiences had a harder time than i seem to with anxiety and often times depression.  so i thought, maybe i can muscle through.

honestly, i kind of felt like a wuss.  like my life is soooooooo difficult that i can't handle it?  hardly.  but, thinking about what my day to day is like in my head made me stop that thinking.  i am definitely struggling right now.  maybe not as bad as other mamas, but i am not my usual positive, chipper, optimistic self.  i am irritable, impatient, quick to get angry, i feel fuzzy headed and sometimes it's hard to think through a situation.  i have irrational fears that something tragic will happen with a certainty to me or one of my kids or family members.  like, one day i took the kids to the park that is about a two minute saunter away from our house.  i have been taking z there for the past 2.5 years with no issues.  all of a sudden i am certain that someone is hiding in the bushes and is going to kidnap one of my kids, or kill is all, or just me and my kids will have no mama to take care of them, and on and on.  i was literally freaking out and so so so anxious.  i grabbed both kids and we headed back home.  another time i was with the kids all by myself for the evening because i bought soccer tickets for hubs.  it was the first time i was all by myself with the kids and was panicking about how i was going to feed us all and get both kids to sleep by myself.  z was super cranky and ava was sick and uncomfortable, so it was a rough night with lots of tears and tantrums.  at one point, in the middle of an anxiety attack, i thought, i am just not going to eat dinner because it is too difficult.  the kids won't let me eat, they are going to cry and i have to take care of them.  this is not rational thinking, i was starving and hadn't eaten for 6 hours.  luckily i can kind of figure out how to talk myself down enough to think rationally, i just focused on the tasks that needed to be done; feed z, feed ava, feed myself, jammies, etc and it helped.  and then i was able to talk to my dad who calmed me down.  but this kind of thing happens maybe every other day or so.  even when hubs is around.  i am typically a pretty capable person, and looking back i have had anxiety my whole life.  i have always been a bit of a worrier, like when i was little i was constantly freaked out that we were going to have a catastrophic earthquake and die (which is still likely haha), but as i got older i figured out some coping mechanisms, without really knowing i was doing it.  i remember being at my grandparents house and laying in bed trying to sleep but super anxious and the way i calmed myself down was to pretend to be walking down the yellow brick road. and the older i got the more calm i became as far as anxiety goes.  there were some major family situations that caused quite a bit of anxiety for me several years back, but that anxiety was justified, not irrational.  when z was born it came back a little, there was an incident where i had an anxiety attack before taking z to the grocery store by myself for the first time and my mom was able to walk me through it over the phone, but wasn't as intense as it is now and went away after a little bit of time.    but this time around, man!  i feel like it began this time last year, i was finishing up school, graduating, pregnant, raising a toddler.  i thought i would feel better after school was done.  and i did but only a little.  i figured once the baby was born i wouldn't be so cranky.  but then when ava was about four months i really began experiencing this more intense anxiety.  i remember sitting at the dinner table one night, ava was fussing a little, z was being kind of a punk, he kept growling and making these really loud noises that was grating on my sanity, and the more i asked him to stop the more he would do it.  eventually hubs had to take z away so i could finish eating, but i had one of the worst anxiety attacks ever, i felt like i was going out of my skin, hyperventilating, and just basically losing my mind.  it was awful.

i have never had so much self doubt and second guessing in my life.  i have never been so gloomy.  i've always worried, but now, i get these crazy fears, everything is cancer, every stranger is a murderer, every cold is whooping cough, it's so stressful!  not every day is so difficult, there are lots of good days, too.  but even on those good days i may freak out a little in my head over something small.  or for some reason, when it's about to be evening i get super stressy and anxious.

these may not seem like major things, some mamas have much worse anxiety attacks and terrible visions and stuff, but for me this is just not normal.  and it is making me miss my babies, this time with them that is so short and i can never ever get back.  i don't want my kids to have memories of their mama being so cranky or irrationally worried.  i don't want hubs to feel super stressed out about my well being.

after the post i wrote on this blog titled 'mamahood', i had several of my friends message me and thank me for writing something real and relatable.  and then some others were concerned, knowing that this was not my normal.  so it was then i decided to talk to my doctor.

even just talking to the doctor made me feel so much better.  like, i am not just going crazy!  there is a reason that all this is happening.  it made me have some hope that this could all turn around.  i really can't believe i didn't realize before, but i was always so focused on PPD as a thing, and not PP anxiety, that i completely overlooked it.  i knew i wasn't depressed.

so now, what to do with it?  i saw my doctor 4 days ago.  when i came home i talked to hubs about it.  i did my own research.  i consulted with some trusted peoples.  i even talked to my brother who has 4 children under the age of 5, my sister in law stays at home with them.  their perspective is helpful.  but hubs suggested trying some of the other non-medication solutions first, and my brother gave me a good pep talk and really made me feel like i have the ability to turn this around.

so, i kind of came up with a plan and decided to really work hard and make these things happen and see if it makes a difference before i medicate myself, haha.  i WILL exercise.  i have always known the benefits of exercise for helping with my mood in the past.  hubs helped me figure out a plan---to strap the kids in the stroller and run around the neighborhood, which is a good plan, we can do that in the morning on days that we don't go out and about.  but i also started exercising with T25, too.  i needed something that had cardio but also something that will really work my core, and doesn't take a long time and T25 is perfect, we used to do it together before i got pregnant with Ava,  i will schedule some time for myself.  i'd like to go to acupuncture.  i'm doing some mindfulness stuff.  i'm diligent about praying.  i'm working on reading the Bahai writings consistently.  i'm scheduling ways to serve in the Bahai community.  i'm figuring it out.

so far, on friday i was able to go for a run with the kids.  it was painful, i felt like i was going to throw up, and i really had to push myself.  but it was good.  saturday hubs and i did T25 together.  sunday we took the kids to Bahai children's classes and we facilitated a study group together.  monday i worked out with T25 again.  i've been able to remind myself to enjoy my kids throughout the day, and say some prayers.  it's only been four days but that's a good start.

we'll see where this goes and if my anxiety improves.

this is hard to write about, but i just want to be real about life, about myself.  and maybe something in this post could be helpful to anyone else.