mama's weekend away

oh my goodness guys.  recently i went on a weekend trip without my hubby and kids.  i went to a wedding, the wedding of a young woman that i've known since she was born, actually since before she was born, haha.  so i did not want to miss it.  but it was in arizona, and after some consulting, hubby and i decided it would be too expensive and too stressful for all of us to go, and so hubby just suggested that i go by myself, enjoy some alone time, and then also suggested that i see if my bestie could come with me.  since she is a stay at home mother of 15 month old twins, it would be a nice break for her, too.  what a great idea!  so i called my bestie and talked her into it (it was not that hard) and then her hubby agreed and it was set!  we were so excited!

it was so hot and we were melting.  and i burned the hell out of my face with my super hot sunglasses that were left in the car.

that is, until the night before we left, when i started feeling sad, and guilty, and nervous.  my in-laws were here so i knew that hubby would have help and that him and the kids would be fine anyway, but i just felt sad.  i prepared Z and told him that mama was going to be gone for a couple days but that i'd be back, and he was cool but said he didn't want me to go.  i told Ava, although who knows how much really she understood.  but i was a little nervous because i am still nursing her, only a couple times in a 24 hour period, but since i haven't been away from her for very long before, i was interested to see how that was going to work out.  especially in the mornings, she likes to wake up and nurse first thing in the morning.  but anyway, so the day i left, i spent most of the time with the kids, and then got all my stuff and myself ready.  i gave the kids big hugs and lots of kisses and left them with my in-laws while hubby drove me to the airport.  during the drive, i started really crying.  i was feeling so many different and conflicting emotions.  i was excited and i knew that i would have a good time but i felt so sad to be leaving my family, and i was already missing my kids.  at one point, i was even thinking "why am i leaving for the weekend when i just want to be with my kids?".  it was very strange.  i knew that the weekend would be fun, i was going to be with my bestie, and i was going to watch this sweet girl get married, and be around all the family, but also i was really going to miss my babies.  on the way to the airport, my bestie called me, as she was on her way as well, and asked me if i was holding it together.  i started laughing and crying at the same time and told her no.  and this is why i love my bestie---she was experiencing the same thing.

right after we arrived at the airport, trying to be brave

hubs dropped me off at the airport, we said our goodbyes, and then i went inside to meet up with my bestie.  we saw each other and started laughing at each other and our ridiculousness.  and then we were fine.  we got through security and picked up some snacks, and magazines!  i would actually be able to read magazines on the plane!  i haven't done that for so long!  it was glorious.  i got to listen to  a couple podcasts.  i cherished it all, haha.

and the weekend turned out to be hella fun.  and it was so special to watch these super sweet young adults get married and begin their journey together.  and it was wonderful to spend time with all the family.  the weather was ridiculously hot, since it was june in arizona, and we melted.  but we got pedicures, ate meals at a leisurely pace, were able to get ready with as much time as we needed.  we perused target and got some frappuccinos.  and we got to talk.  like have really wonderful, meaningful conversations all the way through.

super sweet couple

we danced!  it was great.

but we both really missed our kids and hubbies.  every baby we saw, we gushed over.  we looked at pictures of our kids, and watched videos.  i mean, not the entire weekend, because we didn't have the touch time, but here and there.  and we facetimed with them.  but we weren't sad.  we just missed them.

we decided two days was long enough to be away from our families.

i had some time to think about some stuff.  things that i wanted to change about myself, things i want to implement in our family, stuff i forgot and then remembered with some time away.

somehow in the day to day grind of being a stay at home mom, i fell into this funk.  if you read my blog before, maybe you read that last year i was diagnosed with post partum-anxiety.  after a couple of months i started taking a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication and it helped take away the irrational, crazy anxiety.  but, often times i still feel irritable and overwhelmed, like i don't have very much time to get all the things done, and almost annoyed sometimes.  and like, annoyed that my kids want to do something like read a book or something.  not all the time, but more than i would like.  so this time away from them was almost therapeutic in a way.  i had a little bit of time to sort some stuff out.  even just the feeling of being away from my kids, in a different state from my kids, made a huge difference to me.  i spent some time thinking about the concepts in some of the articles that i've read lately.  i was able to have conversations with my bestie about these things and have some good feedback.  and even the wedding ceremony was beneficial for me in this way.  to hear and then process in my own head these super important foundations of marriage, like being in a partnership where God is in the center, and the concept of true consultation, and praying together as a family, serving humanity together, and improving the spiritual lives of each other.  i thought back to when hubby and i got married, and the vow that "we will all, verily, abide by the will of God", and all of the new aspects of life that we would share and build together.

the distance helped me to remember how much i love my children.  obviously i do, and i know i do, but sometimes, the days are so challenging.  i am imperfect.  my kids have only been on this planet for a few short years, they are learning everything.  they push boundaries, they are demanding, they are impatient, they constantly get into things and make messes because that is how they explore and learn.  they can only do some very basic things for themselves.  when you are a parent--it.is.constant. there's never a break, never a time when you are not a parent.  even when you are sleeping, you are still parenting.  it takes so much time, so much energy, both physically and emotionally and spiritually.  sometimes it's draining.  sometimes it's the most incredible happiness.  but it's definitely a roller coaster.  and you are always 'on'.  your children are like a mirror.  you get to catch reflections of your own shortcomings, as well as your strengths.  and sometimes you may not like what is reflected back very much.

so it was just nice to have time to think about how lovely my kids are, how special they are to me.  and to appreciate my husband and how hard he works for us, both at work and at home, and what a wonderful father he is.  i really was struck with how i have been so blessed to be living everything i always wanted; an amazing husband, two incredible kids, a stable and cozy home, and the love and support of our family.

and--of course, this friendship with my bestie.  she gets me.  and it did my soul good to spend a few days with her, just like back in the day.

when i got back, i was very tired, so after two nights of solid sleep, i felt great.  i was more patient, kind, and fun with my kids.  i felt so much love towards them.  i felt so proud of them.  i was amazed by them and what they have learned thus far, what kind of amazing and interesting people they have turned into.  of course, the days are still not perfect and we have some challenges to work through.  but i have just felt like i am enjoying them so much right now.  and i'm sure that a huge part of that was this time away that i had.  so what i have learned from this whole thing is that sometimes, you just need some time to recharge.  and that's ok.

all dressy for the wedding