stepping away from the anti-anxiety medication

i love this picture because i am jumping for joy in my happy place...the beach!  in hawaii!  the beach really soothes my soul.  

so if you have been reading my blog for a little while, maybe you have read about my experience with postpartum anxiety, i wrote about it here, here and here.  basically, i was diagnosed, i tried figuring it out using a bunch of different activities, but eventually started taking zoloft, which was prescribed by my doctor.  i was really nervous about it at first, because of any side effects, etc, and also i did not want to be taking it for the rest of my life  my doctor was pretty confident that it would be temporary and that at some point i could wean off of it.

the anti-anxiety effects kicked in about 1.5 weeks after taking the zoloft, and i didn't experience terrible side effects.  it really helped with my ridiculous anxiety, i felt like i had regular anxiety and not out of control anxiety.  it was great, and i had a very good experience with it.

but, recently, i had been thinking about getting off of the medication.  my daughter is a little over 2 now and i thought perhaps at this point my hormones have balanced out a bit, the kids are a little more independent than when i started the medication, and i have more time to do things like yoga and meditation, working on projects, and all that.  and as i mentioned before i didn't want to take a medication like this forever.  partly because, if i don't need it, then why take it?  partly because it may have drug interactions with the medication i take occasionally for migraines, and partially because the longer you are on a med like this, the worse the withdrawal symptoms are when you stop taking them.

so i read about other people's experiences, side effects, and how to deal with those withdrawal symptoms.  and then i decided for a date when i would cut my dose from 50 mg in half.  i felt confident that it would be ok.  i mean, i knew that the first couple weeks may be tough, but that things would even out.  and actually the first week was not that bad, but the second week was harder.  during the first week i did feel a little dizzy at times, and fuzzy-headed.  during the second week though is when i felt a little more emotional.  i was verrrry irritable, impatient, tired.  there was one day that was particularly rough.  that evening i prayed a lot, meditated, and "brought myself to account".  i really thoroughly analyzed the day my reactions to situations, how i could have done better or tried harder to be patient, how to take a time-out when i started to feel angry or upset, what triggered me to feel that way and why.  i just really analyzed in great detail.  i'd like to post about it another time, because it was actually very enlightening.  but, after that i made a plan of action.  and you know i love plans!

starting the next morning, i woke up and did yoga in the morning, read prayers and Baha'i writings, i slowed things down a bit and took time when i needed to prevent feeling irritated or upset.  i spent a good amount of time in prayer and meditation in the afternoon, wrote thoughts down, made sure i was eating properly throughout the day and drinking enough water.  in the evening, i brought myself to account again, and said lots of prayers.  over the next several days i kept up this routine quite intensely and also started using essential oils more consistently along with using a light therapy lamp in the mornings.  after the first several days i slowed down on the intense routine of prayer, meditation, and writings and now i still do those things, but because i am consistent about it i don't need to spend so much time doing it on a daily basis.  unless i do.  haha, if i'm having a rough day or whatever.  last week my son had a really nasty cold and i did feel quite anxious and nervous, so i spent more time praying again.  i have come to realize that i don't have to do the same things every single day with the same intensity, that i can spend more time doing those things when i need, and on the days that i don't need that much meditation or whatever, i can just spend a few minutes on it.  this whole thing is a process and can change based on my needs.

but my point is that these things; the consistent, daily prayer, meditation, yoga, light therapy, essential oils, going outside, eating well, drinking lots of water, taking a few minutes here and there throughout the day to do little things to bring joy to my soul, thinking about what i appreciate and having gratitude, and many other things, have helped tremendously in my daily well being.  especially since i am in this process of weaning off of the zoloft.  i think these tools are extremely useful anyway, whether i'm weaning off meds or not.  but anyway, it seems like it was the perfect time to implement these activities in a more intentional, consistent way.  yay!

anyway, it's been about 4 weeks, and perhaps i jumped too quickly from 50 to 25 mg, after reading some more about it after the fact, but i was about 2 weeks in and i didn't want to go back, and everything seemed to be leveling out anyway.  and just this week i cut back the dose again by 25%.  i decided to go down a little slower for the remainder of the time i'm weaning off of this med, just to avoid anymore major emotional jags, haha.  we'll see how it goes!  however long it takes to get down to 0, that's what i'm going to do.  but i am excited actually that up to this point i haven't experienced any issues with anxiety, and that soon i will be not dependent on a medication to deal with it.

i wanted to send out a sincere thank you to all of the women that contacted me after my original post about the diagnosis.  so many of you shared your experiences with postpartum anxiety as well and really eased my mind.  i felt like there wasn't something wrong with only me, that this is something that affects lots of women.  i felt really encouraged, especially, that some of you only took the med temporarily, since that's what i was hoping to do as well.  so thank you for sharing your stories, and for your love and support.  probably the only reason i shared my experience in the first place was so that other women may read it and know they are not alone, that they don't need to suffer, and that this happens to a significant percentage of mamas.  i actually feel really grateful that i didn't have it worse, or have postpartum depression on top of it.  some women have really debilitating symptoms and even some women may take their own lives.  it's a really serious issue, and it needs to be talked about more often, so if my experience helps another person, well that just makes it worth sharing.