postpartum anxiety the second time around

hey there!  i wanted to check in with you all about my anxiety.  if you have been reading this blog for a bit, then you may remember that when my second child was born, i experienced postpartum anxiety and wrote several posts about it (initial post here, my attempt to work through it without meds here, where i talk about starting on zoloft here, when i was thinking about getting off the med here and where i weaned myself off zoloft here).

incidentally, i realized recently that i probably shouldn't have weaned myself off, haha.  i mean, i think things happen the way they are supposed to, but looking back, it became evident that i was still majorly dealing with anxiety.  during the summer it wasn't so bad (i weaned myself off in the month of february, also not a good idea to do it yourself--definitely talk about it with your doctor), mainly because me and the kiddos were chilling, having fun and it was just a really great summer with them. but that year Z started school and although i was super excited, i ended up having massive anxiety that manifested itself in crazy heart palpitations, panic attacks and super duper irritability.  i eventually ended up in urgent care on a heart monitor partly because of it.  then a few weeks later i found out i was pregnant and for some reason during the pregnancy i wasn't experiencing crazy amounts of anxiety.  i still had my moments but not nearly as bad.  anyway during the pregnancy i met with a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT) a couple of times to just talk about and perhaps prepare for any postpartum anxiety.  i knew that it was a possibility that i would experience it again and i wanted to have tools to deal with it this time.  even just knowing that i might have it again was helpful at that time.  

so fast forward to baby roya being born, i did experience some mood stuff that was pretty normal for immediately postpartum (about 2-3 weeks or so), as well as extreme lack of sleep.  my in-laws were with us for 4 weeks after roya was born so i felt incredibly supported and i think that helped TREMENDOUSLY with the anxiety.  but then after a few weeks, i started experiencing panic attacks here and there.  i tried to manage it with the CBT tools and prayer.  it did help a lot.  but it didn't stop the panic attacks and it didn't stop the progression of the anxiety.  after a certain amount of time, i was on my own with all the kids, Z and ava in school and back to the daily grind but this time with a new baby and my body not really feeling back to normal.  i was extremely fatigued, my body was super weak, especially my core, i was sleep deprived and just struggling.  in addition, roya HATED being in the car.  she screamed her bloody face off every time we were in the car.  and i had to drop z off and pick him up from school twice per day.  and take ava to preschool twice per week.  it added to my stress levels so much.  

then enter cold and flu season.  i was already paranoid about roya getting sick at such a young age.  when the kids are in school, we basically are sick on and off from the beginning of the school year until late spring.  and i really didn't want roya to get sick so soon.  i was worried about RSV, flu and norovirus specifically.  and ever since norovirus took us all out when ava turned one, i fear it ripping through our house again.  my anxiety usually presents through health specific fears.  needless to say i was hyper aware of the status of our health every day, constantly making sure the older kids felt ok, they weren't touching the baby's face or hands, they weren't breathing on the baby, they were washing their hands, they were using sanitizer when we were out, i tried to stay on top of them not touching their face, i was constantly focused on how i was feeling.  my body was still experiencing a lot of changes so weird things were happening like occasional night sweats, extreme hunger, dizziness when i wasn't eating every 2 hours, etc.  so all my anxieties about health were increasing every day.

then, one day in october i went into the pantry to grab something and i noticed that the kombucha that i had been fermenting was missing its lid.  and the contents were completely molded over.  lots and lots of disgusting mold.  i took care of it, cleaned it all up, sprayed bleach in the pantry and disinfected everything.  and then i started panicking.  legit, all out, sweating, shaking, freaking out panicking.  i became so freaked out that i just infected us all somehow with mold spores.  and then over the course of several weeks, this very specific anxiety grew and grew until i was certain that i poisoned us with anthrax.  and every single time someone coughed i freaked out.  it was weird, logically i knew that the possibility of that was soooooooo sooooo slim.  but i kept reading about it, and reading about the symptoms of anthrax poisoning, and cases of anthrax, and on and on and on.  i was obsessed and could not stop thinking about it.  even though logically i knew it was crazy.

so this went on for a few weeks, and i started having more frequent panic attacks; sweating, heart racing, nausea, just inability to move or make a decision at all.  it was debilitating.  i knew i needed to see my therapist.  so i made an appointment with her and on the day that a i saw her i also decided to go to the walk-in clinic in my doctors office building to find out why i was having chest pain. that's the other thing that was making me freak out is that my chest hurt and i didn't know why.  was it from a cold?  was it a heart thing?  was it anthrax?  :0  so i had my therapy session and then went to the walk in clinic.  they wanted to do an EKG, and i warned them that my EKG would be abnormal (for some reason last year when i was in urgent care as described above, there was something weird on my EKG that led to a couple different kinds of heart stress tests, and everything turned out to be fine, but i still have this weird ST depression on my EKG which is sometimes an indicator of ischemia or heart attack), and that i had already done a bunch of testing but don't have any heart issues.  they saw the abnormality on the EKG and then when i talked to the doctor, she asked me to go to the ER.  i don't blame her for saying that because if i was a doctor and i saw the patient's weird EKG and they had chest pain i would do the same thing.  but it was so annoying and just made my anxiety sky rocket because i had to call hubby to arrange childcare (luckily my in-laws were visiting and at our house already phew) and come pick me up (the doctor basically forbid me from driving) and take me to the nearest ER.  it was the worst.  and the ER was gross.  the staff was amazing, but the experience of being in this particular ER was awful.  anyway, after many hours we were discharged and after talking with the ER doctor, he prescribed me some zoloft.  i had told him that i was hoping to be able to talk to my doctor and get a prescription but he was able to prescribe it for me then.  thank god.  oh, and it turned out my chest X-ray was fine, my heart was fine, and i am pretty sure the chest pain was from pulling my chest muscles.

i finally reached the point where i was thinking about starting zoloft again.  i just could not get through this anxiety.  it was so so bad.  it was clouding every thought i had and made it impossible to practice the CBT techniques that my therapist was working with me on.  i literally could not get a handle on it.  it was making life so challenging.  the smallest things would seem so hard.  like, i could not handle taking my daughters with me to go drop off library books or pick up something at the store.  i just couldn't have my normal life.  it's really hard to explain, and it's hard to understand unless you have experienced it yourself.  but the best way i can describe it is that there's all this chatter in my head that's telling me that i am going to die, the kids are going to die, one of us is going to get really sick or injured, that i poisoned the family, that we are not safe, and on and on and on forever all day without any end.  and as much as i would try to practice mindfulness or be logical or talk to hubby or my best friend or WHATEVER, it didn't matter.  i could not stop that constant doomsday chatter in my head.  the zoloft, thankfully, muted that chatter.  not 100%, but enough so that i could get a break from my mind.  enough so that i could overcome an anxious thought with one of peace, that i could breathe and use the CBT techniques.

i did struggle with some crazy side effects for the first 6-8 weeks from zoloft this time around, i still had a few panic attacks, i had brain fuzziness and this disconnected feeling, fatigue, sleeping a lot, dizziness, loss of appetite, diarrhea, stuff that i didn't experience at all or not that much the first time i was on zoloft.  and we did increase the dosage once after about 8 weeks.  i am now taking 75mg per day and that seems to be working well for me.  i am not numb, i still have anxiety but it is more manageable and i can use my CBT tools to deal with it.  but this med has been so so so helpful for me and i honestly don't even care if i have to be on it for the rest of my life as long as it works well for me because i never want to experience the mind prison that i was trapped in during the most intense part of my anxiety.  it was awful.  and i feel so much for people that struggle with that still on a daily basis.  it is no way to live.  maybe some day i won't need the med or maybe i can lower the dose, but for right now i am totally fine taking it and also practicing CBT, mindfulness, talking with my hubby and friends when i need help, praying, exercising, trying to practice self-care, and just trying to be healthy.

i wanted to write about this again because this second time around with having PPA has been so much worse than the first time around.  maybe because i am older, have more kids and responsibility, have hormonal imbalance, who knows.  but i know that this is common for mamas out there.  it's not normal, but it is common.  and it needs to be talked about, otherwise people suffer in silence thinking that there is something majorly wrong with them.  you literally feel like you are going insane.  mamas should be able to talk about this, normalize it, reach out for help without any kind of fear or guilt surrounding it.  other people need to be understanding, helpful, and for the love of all things holy don't judge or shame women like me who suffer with PPA or PPD.  it just makes it all so so so much worse.  honestly, peoples' anxiety can manifest in many ways whether it's panic attacks, physical symptoms, fear of doing a project or doing anything, severe indecision, fear of leaving home, it can manifest itself in anger, irritability, major lack of patience.  it could be any number of things.  it's important to realize that if any of these things are causing you or a loved one to not be able to live a functioning life anymore, then it's time to get help.  see a therapist or talk to a doctor or both things.  there are group therapy sessions, online support, books, support groups, apps, videos, there is so much for mamas suffering PPA, way more resources than even 4 years ago when i had it the first time.  i encourage anyone who is struggling to reach out and get it taken care of.  start the journey.  it will literally save your sanity and possibly even your life.

if you have any questions please feel free to reach out to me.  i would love to be a resource or support for other mamas struggling with PPA.  much love to you all!